Healing Part 1

What is healing?

According to dictionary.com, healing is "curing or curative; prescribed or helping to heal; growing sound; getting well; mending; the act or process of regaining health"

Is there an endpoint or are we all just constantly healing from something? And why does "healing" sometimes stop you in your tracks? Are the "rules" to how we heal? I chose blogging as an outlet for healing. It really is cathartic for me. The question is, what am I trying to heal from.

Here's the thing: my first couple of posts on my blog were light-hearted, which is what we really need in this world at times. However, I really need to climb a personal mountain before getting back to my light-hearted posts.

This may end up becoming a very complex blog post, so that is why I have added part 1 to the title, so, here goes:

Let's start with breast cancer, shall we? I had not really intended on making this blog about cancer, and I will not be focusing on it all the time, but talking about it is healing for me. The thing is, healing from breast cancer surgeries has not just been physical, but it has been so emotional as well. The two are very much intertwined. When first diagnosed in December of 2015, everything moved so fast.

• January 5, 2016 I had a double mastectomy.

• I then spent three months "healing" before my expander exchange surgery.

• Then another four months "healing" before my final surgery to complete the reconstruction.

• This was quickly followed by an infection and a week long stay in the hospital where one implant had to be removed and I was on IV antibiotics for weeks at home.

• More "healing" and 4 months later a new expander was put in.

• More "healing" for 4 months and a new implant was put in.

So all in all, it took from January 2016-April 2017 to "complete" the process. At this point, I considered myself truly lucky. My journey did not entail radiation or chemotherapy. But I always say that everyone's journey is different and personal.

About a year later, I was having terrible pain behind my left breast. Tests all came back clear and it was deemed to be muscular. I did start to feel better with rest and took time to "heal" some more, and the pain subsided, but it would rear its ugly head now and then. Then came the news about the rare lymphoma that some women were developing as a result of the textured implants. Yep, I had those - not the specific ones that were recalled, but who wants that hanging over their heads? I could not just "wait and see if symptoms develop". I did my research, asked my questions, and finally decided on a date - the implants were to be exchanged in March 2020. Since it was considered and elective procedure, I had to reschedule. I ended up being able to do the swap June 9.

Now, here I am, six weeks out of surgery and "healing" and it is going in waves to be honest. But I am getting there. I had to make the heart breaking decision to not work at summer camp (that's a post for another day) and I am spending the summer "healing".

Physical Healing

In the past 5 years, once I was cleared after each surgery, I worked hard to get back on the pavement or on the treadmill. I ran/walked several 5K's throughout the last 5 years. Admittedly, I have not been doing much running lately. Sometimes life just gets in the way. During this "quarantine" I have come to love yoga. It is much easier on my body, and practicing yoga will help my body heal and be ready for running once again. So, yes, the physical healing takes time, but with patience and perseverance, I have managed to bounce back.

Emotional Healing

Sometimes I think that is even more painful to deal with. You see, it's not just about me. The emotional healing has an affect on my family too. They have been with me every step of the way. My husband was there 1 billion percent through every procedure without question. In the 5 years since my first surgery, the boys have grown so much. There is never a "right time" for health issues. My boys were 11 and 15 when this whole thing started. They each processed things in their own ways, but are we ever all completely "healed"?

I am typing this and just so much emotion is flooding through me right now. Like I said earlier in this post, my blog is not intended about cancer, but about being positive and being kind. For the last 5 years, no matter what came at me, I found the positive one way or another. Sometimes it is really hard to do. I guess that's ok though. Some days I fall backwards into the perception that everyone else is doing things "right". That they are never making mistakes; that their lives are perfect, and I am not handling things the way I should be. Boy do I get mad at myself when I fall back to that person.

So here is my positive and kind twist. It is ok to not always feel positive. It is never ok to be unkind. I have to remember to be kind to myself too. I usually forget that part. Someone once said to me, "slow and steady wins the race". I remind myself of that as often as possible. I have to think of the big picture and stop assuming that I am being judged. I am handling my emotional "healing" the best way that I can. My outlet for that has been to post positivity on my Facebook page. It seemed to have brought smiles to those who read it. Again, that is my goal. Find the positivity and be kind to yourself. I intend to continue with the theme of "healing" in my next post because I am not just healing from the surgeries, I am also healing from learning and recognizing the fact there are many unkind people out there. Unfortunately, in the last 5 years, my life has not just been about breast cancer, but it has been about learning to navigate the tornado - check that - the tsunami known as adolescence. That is a healing story to be shared in part 2. In the mean time, thanks for listening! xoxo